I'll Never Say Goodbye To You
by CrissColferSexRiot
Summary: All of Kurt Hummel's plans for the future encompassed Blaine's presence. But when tragedy strikes, Kurt must learn to remember while moving on. Fic version of dapperasfuck's video "If Blaine Died."


**A/N: Hi, guys. Unless your heart is made of stone, expect to cry, I cried countless times while writing this.**

_**PLEASE watch the video this goes with before reading.**_

**This fic is basically a video in writing. The video is called "If Blaine Died", and the Youtube username is KAYchanWENTZ, and the tumblr URL is dapperasfuck. All credit goes to her for making such a fantastic video, that I just _had_ to write it. **

**That said, please enjoy.**

**-Fiona  
><strong>

* * *

><p>I leaned against my locker, smiling. My eyes were shut and I was remembering yesterday. Blaine and I had gone out to dinner and then spent hours afterwards talking in my room. Well, perhaps half of that time was spent doing things with far less talking…okay, maybe more than half. Either way, it had been around midnight when Blaine finally left and we parted ways with our usual 'I love you's that never failed to make my stomach flutter.<p>

My eyes flashed open and I checked my phone. 7:58 AM. Where was Blaine?

_Ah, screw it. He can be late if he wants. I'll save him a seat._ And with that, I began walking away from my locker towards my English class.

"Kurt?"

I automatically turned around and saw my dad and Carole standing in the hallway. Carole's eyes were red with tears and she tugged her jacket closer to her body. My dad had a numb, heartbroken look on his face.

"What's wrong?" I asked quickly, fear in my voice. I'd never seen my dad look so…so _scared_.

"We need to…can you come with us?"

I slowly nodded.

My dad looked away, ducking his head quickly, not looking me in the eyes. He started walking and I followed after him. Why did it feel like I was walking to my death?

We walked all the way to the parking lot and stopped next to his car.

"Dad?"

"I…just get in the car, Kurt. I'll explain when we get there," he said softly.

The terror that had been building broke through.

"What _happened_? Just tell me!" I shouted.

My dad closed his eyes, and when he opened them, I saw something that no son or daughter should ever have to see in their fathers eyes. I saw defeat.

"Please, Kurt. Get in."

There was something about that expression that made me know that I'd do anything, _anything_, that could ease the pain of what was happening to him. I silently climbed into the back seat and after a minute, we were driving.

We stopped outside St. Rita's Medical Center.

My heart rate picked up.

We got out of the car and walked to the entrance. The building loomed over us, dark and ominous. It was laughing at me, mocking me. It knew something I didn't.

We made our way to the elevator and went to the second floor. I followed my dad and Carole until we stopped outside a room.

"I don't quite know how to put this," my dad said softly.

"Who's here," I said so monotonously that it sounded more like a statement than a question.

There was a beat of silence.

"Blaine," he whispered.

My legs were moving before I remembered telling them to. I threw the door open. I was only a step through the threshold when I saw him lying in a hospital bed. His eyes were closed and my only comfort was the steady _beep, beep, beep_ that told me his heart was still beating.

I could only take three slow steps towards him before I collapsed on the floor. I lifted my hand onto the bed and found Blaine's motionless one. My vision blurred as tears filled my eyes.

I heard my dad enter the room and I quickly wiped the tears away. I shakily stood and sat in a plastic chair next to the bed, keeping Blaine's hand in mine.

"What happened?" I murmured.

"Car accident. Drunk driver. It happened late last night. Angela called us this morning. They're down at the police station right now. The impact made his head hit the steering wheel; he's in a coma right now. The doctors aren't sure when he'll wake up."

I heard him add very quietly _"if he ever does."_

I stared at Blaine, willing his eyes to open. My free hand rose up and rested in his short curls. There wasn't any gel in it, just as it had been last night. _Last night._ That's when it happened. Oh god.

"Can you leave?" I asked sharply.

"Kurt, I don't think you should—"

"Please give me a minute alone with my boyfriend."

My father nodded obediently and walked out, shutting the door with a soft _click_.

I looked at Blaine. Simply looked.

I observed the blankness in his face. The slight creases around his mouth that he got from smiling so often. The way his curls fell just barely onto his forehead. His shut eyelids. I wondered if they would ever open, if I'd ever get to see those hazel eyes brighten whenever they landed on me.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered. "This is all my fault. You wanted to leave but I talked you into staying longer…if I'd just let you go, we wouldn't be here right now. We'd be in English class, pretending to listen to the teacher's lecture while passing notes, and then we'd get out of class and you'd walk me to History and kiss me on the cheek before going to Spanish, and dammit, that can't happen if you don't just _wake up_."

My voice choked up with tears. "This is the part where you're supposed to wake up, Blaine. I'm supposed to give a short, heartfelt, teary speech, and then you open your eyes and ask me why I'm crying."

I couldn't see through the tears anymore. My head fell onto the sheets next to him and my body shook with sobs as I breathed in Blaine's scent that had been tainted by the hospital.

"Please, Blaine," I begged softly. "I'm sorry. Please, just wake up."

He didn't.

* * *

><p>I was numb. I was comatose, detached, uninterested, every single synonym there was, I was it.<p>

I hadn't changed clothes since yesterday. I couldn't even remember why I was here, at school, at glee, while my boyfriend was holding onto his life by a string. I vaguely remembered Dad and Finn forcing me into Finn's truck, but most everything was a blur.

I never thought that these feelings were possible. Pain was just a word that people used to try and explain something they couldn't comprehend. This was…I was sure that if there wasn't the slightest possibility that he might survive, every organ in my body would just _stop_. Cease to work, and soon, I would cease to exist.

"This is a life-changing week for us," Mr. Schuester said. To me, it sounded like I was listening from underwater. Everything was a garbled mush. "One of our own, Blaine, is in the hospital as of two nights ago. I hope you all keep him, his family, as well as Kurt in your thoughts."

I felt a hand squeeze my shoulder and another take my hand in theirs.

Then my phone vibrated in my pocket, and I jumped into action, bringing it out and holding it to my ear. The people around me jerked from the sudden movement.

"Yes?" I said hurriedly but quietly.

"Kurt?" I heard my dad ask. "Ask Finn to drive you down here. Blaine's in surgery, something happened to his heart. Just…just get down here as soon as possible."

I looked around and saw that it was Finn who had put his hand on my shoulder. I pointed at him and motioned to the door. I hung up on my dad and rushed out, barely pausing enough to grab my bag.

I didn't remember the trip to the hospital.

One second, I was running down the halls of McKinley, the next, I was pacing in a waiting room at the hospital, waiting for any news.

I finally forced myself to sit down, and I closed my eyes, falling into my sub conscious.

* * *

><p>"<em>Take my hand."<em>

…

"_Blaine Warbler, will you go to Junior Prom with me?"_

…

"_Yes, you are I are going to the prom."_

* * *

><p><em>A drawing.<em>

_A heart._

_An arrow._

_Kurt and Blaine._

* * *

><p>A hand on my shoulder.<p>

My eyes snapped open. I saw my father, and behind him I saw the doctor. Next to him stood Blaine's mother, her eyes rimmed with red.

I didn't remember how I got there, but I was suddenly next to the doctor.

"What happened? How is he? He's still alive, right? Please, tell me he's still alive."

"Mr. Anderson is still alive, at the moment, at least. His heart started to fail, due to a small hole that had been punctured by shrapnel from the accident. We managed to patch him up fine, but it's taken a toll on him. His heart's beating, stable, but faintly, nonetheless. I can't tell you anything for certain right now."

It took me a moment to process what I'd just been told.

"Just let me see him," his mother said firmly.

I followed after her silently. I could just barely feel warm tears trailing down my cheeks.

When I walked into the room, I wanted to walk right back out, but knew that that would be near impossible. He just…he looked so _broken_.

I sat down on the opposite side of the bed as his mother. I grasped his hand and went back to my sub conscious.

* * *

><p>"<em>So it'll just be like <em>When Harry Met Sally_. Except I get to play Meg Ryan."_

…

"_Deal."_

…

"_Don't they get together in the end?"_

* * *

><p>I felt movement. My eyes flashed open and I stared at the pale hand I held in mine.<p>

His finger was moving, curling inwards, I was sure about it.

"H-his hand," I stuttered out.

_Beep, beep, beep, beeeeeeeeee—_

Every muscle in my body stopped moving.

I stopped breathing.

My heart stopped beating.

_Beep again. Please, beep again._

"Please," I breathed out, my eyes filling with tears.

Two nurses ran into the room. One ushered me to the door.

_"No!"_ I screamed, pushing her away, holding Blaine's hand in mine.

_"You're not dead!"_ I shouted. _"Dammit, you're not dead! You can't leave me!"_

I couldn't function anymore. The sobs overtook me and I felt my dad's arms wrap around me. I fell to the floor, shouting _no_ over and over again.

* * *

><p>"<em>Excuse me, can I ask you a question? I'm new here."<em>

…

"_My name's Blaine."_

…

"_Kurt."_

* * *

><p>"<em>I really can't stay."<em>

…

"_But baby, it's cold outside."_

* * *

><p><em>Spend all your time waiting<em>

_For that second chance_

_For a break that would make it okay_

_There's always some reason_

_To feel not good enough_

_And it's hard at the end of the day_

And the worst part wasn't the fact that Blaine was gone.

No, it was the fact that he had taken more than just his life with him.

He'd taken my life. My hopes, my dreams, my entire future.

_I need some distraction_

_Oh, beautiful release_

_Memories seep from my veins_

_Let me be empty_

_Oh, and weightless, and maybe_

_I'll find some peace tonight_

We were going to move to New York. Go to college, live in a god-awful apartment together, but make it bearable, because what mattered was who lived there. Then we were going to graduate, then get married.

_In the arms of the angel_

_Fly away from here_

_From this dark, cold hotel room_

_And the endlessness that you fear_

I would organize the entire wedding, from the flowers, to the outfits, to the color of the chairs. The wedding would be beautiful. Then we would decide to adopt and fight over whether we should get a son or a daughter.

_You are pulled from the wreckage_

_Of your silent reverie_

_You're in the arms of the angel_

_May you find some comfort here_

Against expectations, I would want a son, someone I could dress for school and put Band-Aids on the skinned knee he'd get from playing to hard, and Blaine would want a daughter, someone he could play _save the princess from the dragon_ with, and scare her first, second, third, fourth, tenth boyfriend.

_So tired of the straight line_

_And everywhere you turn_

_There's vulture and thieves at your back_

_The storm keeps on twisting_

_Keep on building the lies_

_That you make up for all that you lack_

I would eventually relent—because how could I deny Blaine what he wanted?—and we would adopt a daughter. We'd watch her grow up, get married, and then we would get grandchildren.

_It don't make no difference_

_Escaping one last time_

_It's easier to believe_

_In this sweet madness_

_Oh this glorious sadness_

_That brings me to my knees_

We would grow old, and we would die together. We would be buried together.

_In the arms of the angel_

_Fly away from here_

_From this dark, cold hotel room_

_And the endlessness that you fear_

But that could never happen, now.

_You are pulled from the wreckage_

_Of your silent reverie_

_You're in the arms of the angel_

_May you find some comfort here_

Because Blaine was gone.

_You're in the arms of the angel_

_May you find some comfort here_

Santana finished singing, tears falling down her face as she stared at the half open coffin.

I attempted to wipe away the tears, but they were replaced by new ones.

I closed my eyes, imagining the lively Blaine that I'd come to love, instead of the lifeless one lying in front of me.

* * *

><p>"<em>I've got to go away."<em>

…

"_But baby, it's cold outside."_

* * *

><p>I was drawn out of the corners of my mind by arms being wrapped around me.<p>

For a second, my hopes rose.

Blaine? Was it all just a bad dream, was he really still alive? Holding me, right now?

Then I realized who it was.

Finn.

And I cried harder, because Blaine would never hold me again.

* * *

><p><em>COURAGE - - - Blaine<em>

I stared at my phone. The locked message was the only thing that kept me from breaking the phone, breaking everything around me.

Because everything had a memory attached to it that I could draw back to Blaine. So everything was precious.

* * *

><p>"<em>And if you have a minute, why don't we go talk about it somewhere only we know?"<em>

* * *

><p>A week. I gave myself a week to mourn.<p>

A week to cry, to scream, to remember.

Then I went back to school.

The stares were terrible. Every pair of eyes had so much pity in them that I wanted to vomit.

Glee was worse, though.

Because they all knew Blaine.

But no one knew him as good as I did. They didn't understand, they couldn't comprehend it.

I took one glance at their faces and ran out.

* * *

><p>"<em>It is so cool – that you and Kurt – are brothers! I mean – <em>brothers_…"_

…

"_You're so tall…"_

* * *

><p>I gave a silent chuckle at the memories Blaine had given me.<p>

* * *

><p>"<em>Blaine Warbler, I'm gonna rock your world."<em>

…

"_Your face…tastes awesome."_

* * *

><p>For once, I didn't feel that twang of being betrayed when I remembered Rachel and Blaine's kiss. Because that had just strengthened my friendship with Blaine, and then later, when it came to it, reinforced our relationship. Because I knew and he knew that there would never be any doubt.<p>

* * *

><p>"<em>It's not unusual to be mad with anyone."<em>

…

"_It's not unusual to be sad with anyone."_

…

"_But if I ever find that you've changed at any time."_

…

"_It's not unusual to find out I'm in love with you."_

* * *

><p>"<em>I can't stand to be apart from the person I love."<em>

* * *

><p>"Kurt?"<p>

I opened my eyes and sat up in my bed. I saw my father enter the door.

He looked at me for a moment before I ran into his arms. I just needed to know that even if Blaine wasn't there, I still had my dad. He'd be there for many more years.

* * *

><p>"<em>Oh simple thing, where have you gone?"<em>

…

"_I'm getting old and I need something to rely on."_

* * *

><p>"I love you," my dad murmured.<p>

"I miss him," I whispered.

"I know," he said knowledgeably. "You're going to miss him every day. But eventually, it will fade, and you'll learn to manage it."

* * *

><p>"<em>Until you find someone as bold,"<em>

* * *

><p><em>Holding my hands in the courtyard at McKinley.<em>

* * *

><p>"<em>and as brave as you,"<em>

* * *

><p><em>Dancing with me at prom.<em>

* * *

><p>"<em>you're just going to have to get used to going it alone."<em>

* * *

><p>"<em>You move me, Kurt."<em>

* * *

><p><em>Our first kiss.<em>

* * *

><p><em>Passion.<em>

* * *

><p><em>Desperation.<em>

* * *

><p><em>Loneliness.<em>

* * *

><p><em>Newfound love.<em>

* * *

><p>"<em>I'll never say goodbye to you."<em>

* * *

><p>"<em>Blow the candles out."<em>

…

"_Looks like a solo tonight."_

* * *

><p>"<em>Okay, you can judge me."<em>

…

"_I think it's adorable."_

…

"_I think you're adorable."_

* * *

><p>"Can you go?" I asked my father shakily.<p>

"Kurt, you can't bottle all of it up," he said, putting a hand on my shoulder.

"Just leave me alone!" I shouted, ripping myself out of his grasp and turning so I could walk away.

"You don't think I went through this same thing when Liz died?" He retorted loudly.

I stopped. It had been a silent agreement that we would never bring her up. Throwing the faded memories of Mom's funeral into the mix just hurt me more.

When I realized how dull and bleary those memories were, I panicked. Would I, in time, forget Blaine? No, no, I couldn't…I simply remembered little about Mom because I'd been so young then. It was an impossibility that I would ever forget the smell of Blaine's hair, or the sound of his laugh, or the vibrant colors of his eyes.

But…

"Have you forgotten her?" I asked. "Do you remember the exact texture of her hair, or how it felt to hold her? Just like the pain, will the memories fade, too?"

"They will," he said softly, and my heart shattered. "But only if you keep yourself locked up. You need to talk about him. It helps you cope with the loss, and it helps you remember. It engraves those details into your mind."

"His hair was so soft," I whispered, my back to my father. "And it smelled like…like black raspberries, that was his shampoo. And then there was something else that was just so indescribably _Blaine_. The closest I can come to is…cinnamon…and pine. He just smelled like home."

I found myself crying again. It seemed like that was one of the few things I could do, lately.

"And that's all you need to do, Kurt. Remember every little bit of information. Talk about it, write it down, anything you need to do to permanently stamp it into your mind. And if you need to, you can talk to me about him."

"Thank you," I breathed.

* * *

><p>"<em>I love you."<em>

* * *

><p>"<em>You make me feel like I'm living a teenage dream."<em>

"_We got each other out of all of this."_

"_Kurt, meet Pavarotti."_

"_Your 2011 McKinley High Prom Queen…Kurt Hummel."_

"_We should practice…"_

"_Having fun, Blaine?"_

* * *

><p>"<em>I love you, too."<em>

* * *

><p>My dad wrapped his arms around me.<p>

"I love you," he said firmly.

"I love you, too," I choked out.

It reminded me so much of Blaine, and it was painful.

But I had to endure the pain, so that one day, I could look back at the time I had with him with such clarity that the love would outweigh the hurt.

* * *

><p>Everyone around me had had multiple relationships, but I knew that I would never need more than my memories of that one perfect unity I had with Blaine.<p>

* * *

><p>"<em>I can't explain, the feeling's plain to me, so can't you see?"<em>

* * *

><p>"<em>What are you waiting for? Say goodbye to my heart tonight."<em>

* * *

><p>"<em>But I think I'll be alright."<em>

* * *

><p>"<em>I'm desperate and confused, so far away from you."<em>

* * *

><p>"<em>And there he was."<em>

* * *

><p>"<em>Oh, there you are."<em>

* * *

><p>"<em>I'll never say goodbye to you."<em>

* * *

><p><strong>AN: You guys still alive? I apologize for the fact that this is shorter than my other fics, but really, I love the way it turned out. This is my favorite work so far.**

**The song sung at Blaine's funeral was _Angel_ by Sarah McLachlan.**

**I really don't feel the need to cite all the other pieces that were used in here. All of Kurt's memories are from Season 2 and it contains the majority of the Warbler's songs.**

**Thank you for reading, and it would mean the world to me if you reviewed.**

**-Fiona  
><strong>


End file.
